Your tits are I can't wait for
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Randomize
