I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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