it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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