There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
