I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize