I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
