i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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