you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
