this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
