I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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