Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
