you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
