those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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