someone threw a dead crab at me
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Sext me about skeletons
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
