Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
