the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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