I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
