Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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