I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I bet he comes in French.
Buhtt sex?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
