im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
