god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
