dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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