Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I want her autograph on my taint
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize