Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
