Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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