I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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