We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
