I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
