and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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