and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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