Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
