I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize