you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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