I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
