I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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