Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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