The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
