My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize