And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
