Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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