Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
