when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
