His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
