i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
