I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
