WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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