so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
