6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
