Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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