chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
