your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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