When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
