you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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