I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
