shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
