sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
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