hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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