if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize