hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
