why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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